women jokes

Q: Why do women have periods?
A: Because they deserve them.

Q: What is loud and obnoxious?
A: A woman.

Q: How do you blind a woman?
A: You put a windshield in front of her.

Q: Why is life like a penis?
A: Women make it hard!

Q: What book do women like the most?
A: “Their husbands checkbook!”

Q: What’s the difference between a knife and a woman arguing?
A: a knife has a point.

Q: What have women and condoms got in common?
A: If they’re not on your dick they’re in your wallet.

Q: How is a woman like an airplane?
A: Both have cockpits.

Q: What takes up 12 parking spaces?
A: 6 Women drivers.

Q: Why do women like to have sex with the lights off?
A: They can’t stand to see a man have a good time!

Q: What’s 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives women wild?
A: A $100 bill.

Q: How many male chauvinists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Let her do the dishes in the dark.

Q: What do toys and womens breasts have in common?
A: They were both originally made for kids, but dad ends up playing with

Q: What is love?
A: The delusion that one woman differs from another.

Monkeys and girls both are same. they fight only for Banana,
Boys and rats are same they search only holes.

Q: What do you call a girl with Pms and Esp?
A: A bitch who thinks she knows everything.

Q: What’s the difference between a woman and a refrigerator?
A: A refrigerator doesn’t moan when you put meat in it.

Q: What is the difference between your wife and your job?
A: After five years your job still sucks.

Q: Why did God create lesbians?
A: So feminists couldn’t breed.

Q: Why did God give men penises?
A: So they’d have at least one way to shut a woman up.

Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A: Because they don’t have balls.

Q: What do you call a woman who loves small dicks?
A: Hopefully your girlfriend.

Q: What do you call a woman that has lost 95% of her intelligence?
A: Divorced.

Q. Why do women talk so much?
A. Because they have two sets of lips.

Q: What’s the difference between your bonus and your dick?
You don’t have to beg a woman to blow your bonus.

Q: Why is a female like a laxative?
They both irritate the shit out of you.

Q. What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man?
A. $4.99 a minute.

Q: What are the small bumps around a woman’s nipples for?
A: It’s Braille for “suck here”.

Q: Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
A: He died laughing before he could tell anybody.

Q: Why are hurricanes normally named after women?
A: When they come they’re wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.

Q: How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, feminists can’t change anything.

Q: What do you call a woman who can’t make sandwiches?
A: Single.

Q: Why did God invent the yeast infection?
A: So women know what it’s like to live with an irritating cunt.

Q: Why don抰 women blink during foreplay?
A: They don抰 have time.

Q: What’s the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
A: 45 lbs.

Q: What is a vagina?
A: The box a penis comes in.

Q: How is a woman like a road?
A: Both have manholes.

Q: How do you know when it’s time to get a new dishwasher?
A: When the old one expects you to “do your share”

Q: Why did God make women?
A: You think he’s gonna wash the dishes?

Q: What’s the difference between Jelly and Jam?
A: You can’t jelly a dick down a woman’s throat

Q: What do you call a woman with an opinion?
A: Wrong.

Q: What does fucking a woman and cooking an egg in the microwave have in common?
A: Both end with a loud, annoying sound and a gooey mess to clean up.

Q: How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
A: Marry It!

Q: Why shouldn’t you lie to a woman with PMS & GPS?
A: Because she’s a bitch & she will find you.

Q: Why do women fake orgasms ?
A: Because they think men care.

Q: What are the three quickest ways of spreading a rumour (or gossip).
A: The internet, Telephone, Tell a woman

Q: What can a lifesaver do for a woman a man can抰?
A: Cum in five different flavours.

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

Q: How many men does it take to open a beer?
A: None, it should be opened when she brings it to you.

Q: A man runs over his wife. Whose fault is it?
A: The man, he shouldn’t be driving in the kitchen.

Q: Why does a man like to see two women kiss each other?
A: Two less mouths that are bitching.

Q: Why can’t women drive?
A: Because there’s no road between the kitchen and the bedroom

Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

Q: If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
A: Made her chain too long.

Q: Why do women wear underwear?
A: Because workplace health and safety staes ‘all manholes must be covered when not in use’!

Q: How is a woman like a condom?
A: Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

Q: Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle?
A: She knows she抯 given her last blow job.

Q: How do you know when a woman is going to say something intelligent?
A: When her first words are, “A man once told me…..”

Q: How do you fix a woman’s watch?
A: You don’t, there’s a clock on the oven.

Q: Why hasn’t a female been to the moon ?
A: Because it doesn’t need cleaning yet!

Q: Why do women have smaller feet than men?
A: So they can stand closer to the sink.

Q: What’s worse than a male chauvinistic pig?
A: A woman that won’t do what she’s told.

Q: Why do women wear white on their wedding day?
A: So they will match the stove and fridge!

Q: What抯 the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A: A whore fucks everybody at the party, and a bitch fucks everybody at the party EXCEPT YOU.

Q: What抯 the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A: A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.

Q: Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms?
A: They hang around after the man leaves and talks to the woman.

Q: Do you know why women fake orgasm?
A: Because men fake foreplay.

Q: What the difference between getting a divorce and getting circumcised?
A: When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick!

Q: How is a woman like an airplane?
A: Both have cockpits.

Q: What抯 the difference between a woman and a fridge?
A: A fridge doesn抰 fart when you pull your meat out.

Q: Why can抰 women read maps?
A: Only the male mind can comprehend the concept of one inch equaling a mile.

Q: Why are women like condoms?
A: They spend 99% of their time in your wallet, and the other 1% on your dick.

Q: Why did God make man first?
A: He didn’t want a woman looking over his shoulder.

Q: Why do women have such small feet?
A: So they can stand closer to the oven.

Q: How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
A: They are fun to ride but you don抰 want your friends to find out.

Q: Why are there no female astronauts on the moon?
A: Because it doesn’t need cleaning yet.

Q: Why did God give women orgasms?
A: So they’ve got something else to moan about!

Q: Which is the odd one out: a woman, a microwave or a fridge?
A: The microwave, the other two leak when they抮e fucked.

Q: What’s the difference between a woman and a coffin?
A: You come in one and go in the other.

Q: Whats the difference between PMS and Mad Cow Disease?
A: One attacks the cow’s brain and sends it fucking mental, the other is an agricultural problem.

Q: How do you know that beer contains female hormones?
A: Drink two or three, and you cannot drive properly anymore and start talking bullshit.

Q: What do toy railways and boobs have in common?
A: Both are made for children but it’s the fathers who play with them most.

Q: Why can’t you trust a woman?
A: How can you trust something that bleeds for five days and doesn’t die?

Q: Why do most men die before their wives?
A: They want to!

Q: What food diminishes a woman’s sex drive by 90%?
A: Wedding Cake!

Q: How are women and rocks alike?
A: You skip the flat ones!

Q: Why do women stop bleeding when entering menopause?
A: Because they need all the blood for their varicose veins.

Q: What is the difference between a cheap hooker and an elephant?
A: One rolls on its back for peanuts and the other one lives in a zoo.

Q: What s worse than a male chauvinist pig?
A: A woman who won’t do as she’s told.

Q: Why don’t women wear watches?
A: There’s a clock on the stove.

Q: How to you make a dish washer into a snow blower?
A: Give the bitch a shovel

Q: What is the difference between a Woman and a washing machine?
A: The washing machine doesn’t follow you around for two weeks after you dump a load in it! 

Q: How can you tell when a women is having a bad day?
A: She has her tampon behind her ear, and she can’t find her cigarette.

Q: Why are wives like condoms?
A: They both spend too much time in your wallet, and not enough time on the end of your dick.

Q: Why do men die before their wives?
A: They want to.

Q: How many men does it take to fix a vacuum cleaner?
A: Why the hell should we fix it? We don’t use the damn thing.

Q: Why do women love orgasms?
A: Because it gives them another reason to moan!

Q: What is a wife?
A: An attachment you screw on the bed to get the housework done.

Q: How are women like parking spaces?
A: The good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped.

Q: Why do women have tits?
A: So men will talk to them.

Q: What’s the first thing a woman does after coming out of the abuse shelter?
A: Cook dinner if she knows what’s good for her.

Q: What’s the difference between a Woman with PMS and a Pit Bull?
A: Lipstick 

Q: What do girls and camels have in common?
A: They both have camel toes.

Q: What does a woman put behind her ears to make herself more attractive?
A: Her ankles.

Q: Why do women close their eyes during sex?
A: They can’t stand to see a man having a good time.

Q: Why is our salary like a women抯 period?
A: It comes once in a month,lasts only for four or five days and if any month it does not come it means your fucked.

Q: What do 3 million abused women do wrong every year?
A: They don’t fucking listen.

Q: What is the definition of “making love”?
A: Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.

Q: Why did God create the orgasm?
A: So women can moan even when they抮e happy.

Women are like orange juice cartons,
It抯 not the shape or size or even how sweet the juice is,
It抯 getting thoses fuckin flaps open

Why did the woman cross the road?
Who cares – what was she doing out of the kitchen anyway?

What does the woman who just got out of an abusive relationship do?
It better be the damn dishes!

A jealous woman does better research than the FBI.

Apparently it was a bad idea to ask Siri “What do women want?” She has been talking nonstop for the last two damn days.

Women on their periods always ovary act.

Kissing a girl on the cheek(good)
kissing girl in the mouth (awesome)
Kissing girl in front of her ex (boss)

A jealous girlfriend is a faithful girlfriend. If she doesnt get jealous when someone has your attention, it’s because someone has hers

Skinny = anorexic , thick = obese , virgin = too good , non-virgin = slut , friendly = fake , quiet = rude. Society can never be pleased!

Women drivers are like stars in the sky. You can see them, but they can’t see you

If women are bad at parallel parking, it’s only because we’ve been constantly lied to about what 8 inches is.

Women are like blue jeans. They look good for a while but eventually they fade and have to be replaced..

Even if women came with directions, we still wouldn抰 read them.

The world thinnest book has only one word written in it : EVERYTHING. The book title is : WHAT WOMAN WANT.

Every girl is a ninja…It shows when someone touches her phone or her boyfriend.

“I Love My Wife” bumper stickers are strictly for men who were caught cheating.

Women fall in love with what they hear, men fall in love with what they can see, that’s why women wear make up and men lie.

Women are like iPhones! You have to touch them all over before they respond…..Men are like Blackberry! Rub one ball and everything moves!

Achievement seems to be connected with action. Successful men and women keep moving. They make mistakes, but they don’t quit.

Women find men more attractive when they notice other women looking at him.

Men cheat on good women with bad women. Women choose bad men over good men. The circle of life.

Women fake orgasms to have relationships. Men fake relationships to have orgasms.

Girls want attention. Women want respect.

The biggest difference between men and women is what comes to mind when the word ‘Facial’ is used.

Why do single women take advice from other single women? That’s like Stevie Wonder teaching Ray Charles how to drive.

Women don’t know what they want, Men never know what they have.

I’d like to give a shout out to all the women who don’t need to dress half naked to get a man’s attention. Stay classy! The rest of you, come with me.

Women are like cats. They always run away when I try to hold them.

My girlfriend asked me to see things from a woman’s point of view…so I looked out the kitchen window.

Women who strive to be equal to men lack ambition.

I love strong, powerful women. They can open jars without my help.

Dont mess with Texas. Definitely don’t mess with Texas women.

90% of women like men in pink T-Shirt. But ironically, 90% of men in pink T-Shirts don’t like women.

Women are like wolves. If you want one, you must trap it. Snare it. Tame it. Feed it.

Girls love bad boys. Women love good men.

Gossiping has positive effects on women, it elevates levels of progesterone, a hormone that reduces stress and feels good.

God invented high-heels so women could put dishes away on the top shelf.

Whoever said “women are a dime a dozen” didn’t know about the deals you can get on Groupon.

Intelligent women want to be complimented on their intellect. But let’s be real, they wanna be skinny bitches, too.

When in doubt, I always ask, “What Would Beyonce Do?” (WWBD)