“If you were half as funny as you think you are, you’d be twice as funny as you are now.”
Cassandra Clare, City of Bones

 

“Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.”
Billy Sunday, Billy Sunday, the Man and His Message: With His Own Words Which Have Won Thousands for Christ
 

 

“Well, don’t expect us to be too impressed. We just saw Finnick Odair in his underwear.”
Suzanne Collins, Mockingjay
 

 

“You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America’s Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn’t want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named “Bush”, “Dick”, and “Colin.” Need I say more?”
Chris Rock
 

 

“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.”
Phyllis Diller
 

 

“It’s not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on.”
Marilyn Monroe
 

 

“What the hell is that?” I laughed.
“It’s my fox hat.”
“Your fox hat?”
“Yeah, Pudge. My fox hat.”
“Why are you wearing your fox hat?” I asked.
“Because no one can catch the motherfucking fox.”
John Green, Looking for Alaska

 

“Everyone should be able to do one card trick, tell two jokes, and recite three poems, in case they are ever trapped in an elevator.”
Lemony Snicket, Horseradish: Bitter Truths You Can’t Avoid

 

“The planet is fine. The people are fucked.”
George Carlin
 

 

“I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”
Mark Twain